Downfall/Loss of Wings
by xyzae
Summary: the effects of entering another being's mind and knowing their thoughts don't always go one way


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Downfall/Loss of Wings: The Beginning [1/?]

A NGE Fanfic by Amihan

I don't Evangelion

Everything is used without permission

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She started screaming, not just verbally but in her mind as well, but it was all just meaningless, background noise to me. I blocked out her useless screams and pleas as I continued on. Apparently my hard efforts weren't necessary. Breaking and entering the barriers of her mind proved to be much easier than I thought.

Weak_. _How weak she is.I had only just started and already I was nearly halfway through her. All her futile attempts did not even stop me for a moment. I don't see how such a weak, fragile girl could ever take control over a being that is like us.        __

I scanned past her memories as I go in deeper. Images flashed before me. 

_A boy standing very close … _

_People dressed in white, staring … _

_A man standing on a ships' deck … _

_Another man with a woman holding out a toy … _

_The same boy sitting on a table … _

_A doll lying on a rumpled bed … _

_A different man wearing glasses and handing out a piece of paper … _

_A girl standing before an elevator door … _

_Another girl sitting close and talking … _

_Another woman sitting on a bed playing with the same doll … _

_One of my brothers racing through water … _

_The same woman hanging by a rope on the ceiling … _

_Two new women standing by a bunch of computers talking … _

_The same doll hanging by a rope on the ceiling … _

As I went quickly through these memories, not even bothering to understand them, she kept on screaming and screaming. I could feel her pain as I tried to find control over her mind but that wasn't right. I shouldn't feel any pain since, of course, I'm the one afflicting it. 

This one was different. This part of her agony didn't come from me, but from something else … but what? What else could be hurting her except me?

I decided to push these thoughts away and went back to searching. 

Something's wrong. Why is it that I can't find her? She is such a weakling, so vulnerable and frail but how come I am having trouble finding her? Where is it? Where is she? Time is running short. 

Where is she? Why can't I find her? Something is keeping me at bay, but what, how, why? Why, why, why!?!

And why does she keep on screaming and screaming?! She is starting to irritate me. Her screams and thoughts are becoming too much to bear. I can't concentrate. 

This has to stop. She has to stop! The pain I am causing is not enough for her to undergo this much suffering. Something else is interfering, and it has to stop.I can't find her in this entire racket and I really have to find her. I must find her.

Or else I won't accomplish my true mission and everything will be in vain. I just have to find her.

As I searched through her mind again I realized that her screams and agony became stronger while I scanned through the memory part of her brain. 

Why is this? Is recalling her life what made the pain stronger? I don't understand. This is her life. Why would recalling it make her hurt so badly? 

I decided to look deeper into this part of her mind since I simply scanned the surface of this part of her mind earlier. Perhaps she is hidden in the depths of her memory.

I looked deeper into her recollection and tried to understand it but the experience was far from what I expected. As I looked into her memory I felt everything she felt that moment. Perhaps to an extent you can say I became her during those times, but I didn't. I could still think by myself and see from the outside what her experiences did. It is hard to explain and understand but somehow, in the simplest terms, I became more than one. 

A part of me experienced what she did in the memories I unlocked. Another part of me simply watched and understood her memories and what it led to. And another me saw and understood what my unlocking of these memories did to her. Like me she is experiencing many things at a time. A part of her experienced her past again, and yet another her saw and understood what is happening. She knew what was happening, the same as I did, and she understood it. 

But she wouldn't accept it. She couldn't accept it. 

She saw it as pain, as her end. As a bitter reminder of who she really is. 

And me? 

I do not know how I saw it. All I knew was that somehow, in the very depths of my wild, raging mind and even though it hurt, I envied her. 

I envied this fragile child who went through this life, this madness, and lived.

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This fic won't be entirely about Arael or about Asuka but both. The next chapter, "The Story", would probably be around late September or early October. Heck, I'm not sure. All I know for sure is that I'm a very slow writer. 

I'm not completely sure if the idea of this fic has already been done, so, well, sorry. Just tell me if it's already been done. 

Comments, criticisms, et al go to amihan@fuckingwicked.com. 

Don't worry, I'll listen and give thought to whatever it is you'll say. ^_^


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